Our littlest One - with Jesus

Life changes so fast...you have dreams, expectations of what life will be during the next 9 months. You plan for your next one, excited about having a Christmas picture with two muchkins on it, gear up for maternity clothes-sewing new skirts 'cause longer maternity skirts are almost impossible to find... you start setting projects aside, knowing that with two, you won't be able to keep up with it all, and right now, all the energy you have is put into the basic things of life. It's the first trimester...and pretty soon, you'll have that energy that comes with the fourth month...

But, God had something else in mind. Something I didn't want, but I accept. Last Tuesday, I started bleeding...but though worried & wondering, I knew everything might be alright. Lots of prayers, and waiting...til the next afternoon, the cramping started. Our midwife agreed that it probably was the dreaded miscarriage...more tears...and with James, we pleaded for God to spare out little one's life. Then at 9:15 p.m. on Wednesday, we met out precious little baby. It was so not in the way we wanted it to be, but it was in God's way. We got to hold our little one, something I had wanted to do - badly - as soon as I knew it was a miscarriage. And what a privilege that was. How many parents out there actually get to spend some time with their baby, holding it, and grieving it's loss? It was such a gift from God. We even took pictures, which will be special for us to keep.

The baby though 13 weeks along, must have died around 8-9 weeks...it was so very small. We gave it a name - Yachal (yaa-caal) -Hebrew for: trusting in the Lord - hoping continually in Him....and through the passing of time we have this hope. We didn't know the gender so we did one of those neutral names. :) And of course in Hebrew, it sounds a bit different, but it's our babie's name. :)

I know in some ways, miscarriages are normal - almost every woman goes through it. In some ways, it's not a big deal, there were probably some deformities in the child, so it wouldn't have survived anyways. Obviously God knows the best for us, and it's in His love that He took Yachal home. It's like when you think of it, it's all fine...then when you really think about it, it's just not that fine. Our baby is gone...but yet, when really really think about it from God's perspective, it's fine, and even wonderful. Yet, there still are tears, and kind of a re-grouping, as you think ahead to life, summer/fall..etc, without our newborn with us. But God is so good, and we are at peace with this change of life.

James has been the most amazing man, so faithful and loving, helping me through this time. Despite the events, I am grateful to God for being able to share this heartache together, and for the tears, joys and moments we had. James is so good to me.

We're going to bury Yachal by Bonnie's grave, which will be special. Bring extra meaning to life for me in Mount Pleasant, where part of me will be lying still in the graveyard, but alive with Jesus! So many heaven songs have a greater resounding to my heart...and really, how special it is that I have my own child waiting to meet me in heaven!
Our Katelyn - such a joy bringer during the tough moments.

Crooked picture...but playing inside a laundry hamper! (thanks Aleita!!!)

Resting - still have a lot of back pain, but laying down feels good. :) So I'll soak in the rest. James, my faithful incredible husband made me a long straw...:) So I didn't have to reach for my water. We did have to go to the hospital a day later with a retained placenta. But now it's gone, and without a d & c - which is another blessing from God! All that tires one out. :)

Flowers from our church here...Everyone has been so amazing, so thoughtful. I'm blessed.

Flowers from Diane, William, Nelly and Brad. So gorgeous. My family here, has been so supportive, and loving - bringing me food, Mom has been looking after Katelyn a lot as I'm trying to get extra rest, little gifts, Heather into running to town to bring me some necessary items, e-mails, calls...so thankful for all them. God knows what we need.

-Yachal Heikoop-

Gave you back to Jesus March 10th, 2010