A Smile and a Tear

This morning I smiled. A quick smile. Something kicked me. My baby. My sweet little baby. I've been feeling these little movements for the past week or so, and it has been good, but today for some reason, with that one kick or two, and with that smile, major excitement grew. There really is a baby in there! That's amazing, and hard to comprehend.

But it should be ready by now. It feels like in some ways, that this baby should be almost full term. After all, I've pretty much been pregnant since January, minus a month and a half. So it's time now....right...? But no...instead of having one full term baby, I have two babies. One kicking inside me, making me smile, the other in heaven, which makes me cry.

I was listening to a song about heaven tonight with Katelyn, and just started weeping... my baby is there - with God. Little Yachal went from 'knowing' the darkness and comfort of my womb to the glorious light of Christ. How beautiful. But yet so bittersweet for me. I am soo thankful that I'll see my little one again, but right now, it still hurts. I cry at nights sometimes. Sometimes in the day...missing a little person I hardly knew. And it frusterates me, cause I have felt more attached to Yachal, then our new baby coming at times. That almost seems wrong...but feelings will change; and they are changing.

A few weeks ago, I was thinking about Yachal, and it hit me - hard - how Yachal will never need my love. This may sound stupid or immature, but that thought hurt my mother's heart. I can never give anything to my little baby. God is the only Giver to my baby. He will give all the love Yachal could hope for. I know that that last truth is wonderful - too wonderful for mind to understand and comprehend - so it hurts my little earthly heart. I sobbed, wishing my baby would need my love. But Yachal was made for heaven, and this little one that God has given us for now - little Strudel - needs my love. We can't always chose the ones who need love given to them. God places different people in each other's lives to love. Right now in my direct little family, it's James, Katelyn and Strudel. One day, Lord willing, all of our children will be home in heaven together.

So I cry, like I am doing right now....and yet I smile. :)