The Difference One Month Makes...

It's already been a month. Our baby's homegoing. In some ways it feels like ages ago when we found out our baby was gone, and all the events surrounding it...and in some ways it wasn't that long ago. I've had tears almost every day for the past month. Missing my baby, missing the hope it brought, missing the kicks I would have been feeling right now, missing it so much, and wishing I had some memories of Yachal that I could share with more people. You know the feeling. You lose someone and it hurts; but you have those funny memories of what that special person did to laugh about with others, the crazy things they did, the sweet times, and those moments filled with tears...but you can share them with others. That's the part I wanted to have, to share...Yachal is my baby. But the loss is mostly directed to me and James. And I understand. I'm not saying the whole world should grieve with me. :) But I need to share Yachal's life with others, somehow....

I was mentioning that to Betty - a dear co-worker at the Windmill. She has been one of those prayer warriors & encouragers to me - like many of you have also been.... I mentioned to her after the 'how are you really doing?' that I wished I had more memories of Yachal. A couple days later she told me with joy, how the Lord had shown her that I do have memories of my baby. And they are special memories.

Like when I found out that we were expecting! How awesome...I rejoiced so much - praising God! I was even more excited in some ways, than with finding out about Katelyn's coming, as I knew what to do this time, it wasn't all so new and a bit scary, and with Katelyn I was worried that we'd lose her; this one, I wasn't as concerned.... I told James about the baby by having Katelyn 'color' a card pink, blue and yellow, and write in kid font " Dear Daddy, I'm going to be a big sister! Love Katelyn. I luv you too." That was an awesome moment. :)

Memories of telling our families that we were expecting: we told the Heikoop side on Tim's b-day. We wrote in his card, ....love, James, Liz, Katelyn and baby.... so he was the first to know. :) On my side of the family we told them that another was coming making that 16 grandchildren....(they only had 14 at the time....and they were wondering how that could be) when right after that James and Heather announced that their baby was coming too! (they were all with J&H, and so we both planned to tell them-us over the phone- at the same time!) Such fun! :)

Then there was the morning sickness, and the extreme tiredness of being expectant, and nursing Katelyn at the same time....I slowly gave my more 'fun' things up, like the hope of scrapbooking, cause I just had the energy for survival. :) But it would be worth it, cause in a few months, I'd have a baby to enjoy alongside my almost toddler!

I thought I'd felt it kick...it felt just like what I was supposed to be feeling, and on my first midwife visit, she thought that it probably was it....but now, I think it was just some type of muscles twitching, as I felt that even during the worst part of the miscarriage....at least I think so. But there's that glorious feeling as you wonder, 'is that my baby'?

And then the memories turned more painful, as I realized my baby was dead. Memories of James staying with me, of holding my little one in my hand, but unable to protect it, unable to keep it from danger as a mother wants to do with all of her soul.....of such deep grief, and yet thanking God for Yachal at the same time. Such bittersweet memories.

Then of saying goodbye to Yachal, burying the little one by Bonnie, and walking away - not a family of four on earth, but for now, a family of three.

This past month has been good and hard... :) I've had more energy and am starting to do some of those projects I'd put away. All the while, needing something to remember Yachal by. That was my child, and I can't just forget that. Ask any mother. They never forget a loss of a child...never. So, I was quietly rejoicing when the Lord showed me I could do something to remember our baby by - a small scrapbook, filled with the cards from people, the pictures of the bouquets sent to us -a pressed flower, the poems we put at the graveside, some pictures of our baby we took, and all the memories, the tears, the joys, and my heart. That way, one day, Katelyn will have a little album to know that life is precious. Even at 13 weeks, Yachal is her baby sibling. And maybe it will even encourage someone else....but it will be my 'ebenezer' - stone of remembrance, that this far God has led us. And He did give us Yachal for a time. And for that I'm thankful.